THIS STORY IS VERY PERSONAL. PLEASE DON’T JUDGE OR LEAVE NASTY COMMENTS.
When I was 14 I moved to Ireland for an entire year with an Irish family. My parents got divorced a year before that and my dad thought it was a great idea for me to get away from everything.
I was 14 the first time a boy made me feel worthless. Telling me that my lips would be perfect for blowjobs. No one had ever said anything remotely sexual to me before that, and I felt violated.
I remember the first time I met anxiety. Crying on the bathroom floor after a phone call with my mom. “Your dad is an asshole, you don’t know everything he’s been doing to me for the past 20 years. He is going away for a while” For a while, huh? Still wondering when that’s going to end.
Weeks went by and I stopped eating. Every time I had to eat something my stomach would turn into a bomb and my mind would start shouting. It was very easy to skip meals since the family I lived with didn’t really pay much attention to me.
I realized I fucked up when I fainted in PE. My teacher gave me some chocolate and water with sugar but my body didn’t take it well and I vomited. Their first conclusion was that I was pregnant, but after I told them that I wasn’t, they just assumed I was anorexic.
But I wasn’t anorexic, people just didn’t want to listen to me.
Crying day after day, not eating, drinking and smoking every weekend. I really lost my mind and did things I really regret doing.
Something happened on Saint Patrick’s day. My friend and I decided to go to downtown Dublin to have some fun. We started drinking back in my house, then took the bus to go there. I should have realized how drunk we were when we couldn’t walk down the stairs of the bus. It was a great day till some boys come to us for some fun.
Boys can be cruel. It’s true. They do things that girls wouldn’t do. Just because you’re stronger doesn’t mean you have the upper hand. It doesn’t mean you can do whatever the hell you want to do to me and think it’s okay, it will never be okay.
Everything went downhill from there. My family had it’s own problems so they didn’t really pay attention to me, my friends didn’t understand what was going on.
When I went home for Spring Break to visit my family, my mom took me to the doctor. She thought I had an eating disorder. I didn’t, I just was sad. I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore.
“But I’m Not Anorexic”, I kept telling my mom. She didn’t believe me and forced me to eat. When I went back to Dublin I decided that I didn’t want to go back to my old habits. I stopped drinking and smoking, hanging out with the wrong people and I tried to eat again, but that was more difficult.
People don’t realize that eating disorders can be more than anorexia or bulimia. I didn’t feel fat. I was depressed.
I went back to Spain after a year. I became friends with a group of girls that till this day I’m very thankful for. I’ve been in the same school for my whole life so I knew most of them, except one. It was all fun and games at the beginning of the year, we got into trouble every single day and did really stupid reckless things, but then Winter came around. One of my friends developed anorexia, and that brought really bad memories for me. Another one got addicted to drugs. Another one started dating a boy that would only bring her problems, and the other one had to start going to therapy, I won’t say why to respect her privacy.
I know what you may be thinking, what a depressive group of girls. We were 5 girls that would always have each other back. We had a friendship that most people will die for, but we were in a very hard time of our lives. After that year we all stopped talking to each other, and I think it’s for the best. We helped each other when we were at our lowest, and bringing back that friendship wouldn’t be a good thing.
Why am I telling you this? Well, since that year everything has changed for me, for the better. I surround myself with good people. A lot of the times I get bored because they don’t want to do crazy shit with me, but that keeps me grounded and out of trouble, they are a good influence on me.
I was reading my diary last night. I started crying because I remembered what a bad time it was for me. And since then I’ve never been able to eat properly. I still get a lot of comments calling me anorexic. “Your arms are too thin”, “Your legs look like they’re going to break at any minute”, “Eat a burger bitch”. I’ve probably heard it all.
I’ve lost a lot of weight recently, and that’s due to anxiety. I’ve always known that I didn’t have anorexia. I actually wish I had more fat in my body. My eating disorder is caused by anxiety. It takes my appetite away, it doesn’t let me sleep, it makes me moody. It controls my life.
I’m writing this because I’m turning 19 in two days and I feel like it’s time for a clean slate. My anxiety is caused by all my personal problems. My family, my friends, my love life. It shouldn’t control my daily life so much.
So I hope when I read this in a year, two days before my 20th birthday, everything is better. I will no longer be a teenager, I have to leave all my teenage problems behind. So I’m letting you future Tere deal with that.
I don’t want you to think that I’m still sad because I’m not anymore. I have my bad days like everyone else.
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